How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
