She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
