So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
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I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
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BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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