my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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