This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
