I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
