Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
