I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
