I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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