I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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