dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
