I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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