Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
