If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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