At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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