I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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