I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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