I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
If I die, sorry about rent.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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