My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Vodka?
Forever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
