Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
