guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize