I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
