just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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