2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
