Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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