I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
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