i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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