I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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