There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
