You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
