Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
