thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
