I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
