how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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