i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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