Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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