I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
