im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
