She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
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I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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