i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
