Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
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