i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You need a sexual gate keeper
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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