you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
so let's talk penis.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
