No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
