he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
How does one acquire holy water?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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