My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
