sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Randomize
