You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
