The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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