Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
