I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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