remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
