census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
