I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
