but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
