Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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